The Importance of Voting Earnest (Or Oscar Wilde: Bernie Bro?)

Scene I: The sitting room of the house shared by Ms. Worthing and her teenage daughter Cecily, somewhere in Iowa.

Ms. WORTHING: I’m off to a cafe with my good friend Ms. Moncrieff, who is sure to tell me all about that Mr. Biden of whom we are both quite fond.

CECILY: I’ll never understand what two intelligent people like Ms. Moncrieff and yourself see in that silly man. You believe the Green New Deal and Medicare for All are splendid policies, but that Delaware charlatan takes money from the very oil and health insurance corporations that stand in their path. Whyever would you support him?

Ms. WORTHING: Sweet naive daughter, Mr. Biden may not excite me but I have long ago given up finding a suitor who appeals to both head and heart. These are fearful times and one must choose practicality over passion. Ms. Moncrieff supports Mr. Biden, as, I am told, do many African Americans like herself. And if we want to defeat the odious Mr. Trump, so must we.

Scene II: The parlor of a nearby house where Ms. Moncrieff lives with her teenage daughter Gwendolyn.

GWENDOLYN: But mother, Mr. Biden is a nasty old coot who supported mass incarceration and the Iraq war, and he was a perfect devil to Miss Anita Hill when she tried to warn the world about Clarence Thomas!

Ms. MONCRIEFF: I’m well aware of the limitations of his character. And I’ll allow that my heart flutters when I hear your Mr. Sanders talk about taxing the rich and slashing the Pentagon budget to fund a 21st century social democracy. But I’m afraid such talk frightens many white people, who seem to find Mr. Biden reassuring — why even sweet Ms. Worthing is hopelessly smitten by him.

GWENDOLYN: And is there a law against two friends having a difference of opinion? A primary is meant to tabulate the people’s preferences, not collect their wagers on who is most likely to win. Let you and Ms. Worthing each make your choices and democracy shall run its course.

Ms. MONCRIEFF: You are innocence itself, my daughter, and I hope you will one day live in a country that rewards your fine ideals. But a country that elected the dreadful Mr. Trump is not such a place, and so we must choose protection over paradise. If Mr. Biden is as far as a good white person like Ms. Worthing will travel, then he’s a suitable destination for me.

Scene III: Ms. Worthing and Ms. Moncrieff sit over coffee.

Ms. MONCRIEFF: I do hope our Mr. Biden is able to prevail in Iowa.

Ms. WORTHING: Indeed! He is clearly the ideal candidate because of his… (uncomfortable pause), oh but I’ve been chattering on. Why don’t you tell me about why Mr. Biden is so obviously our choice?

Ms. MONCRIEFF: (aside) I fear I am being given a quiz! Perhaps I’ve been insufficiently enthusiastic. But I can’t come up with a single outstanding quality of Mr. Biden’s other than the fact that others seem to see more in him than I. What to say?

(To Ms. Worthing) Ironic that a question can be hard to answer precisely because it is so simple — like why the water in this glass is so clear!

Ms. WORTHING (aside) Clear to her, perhaps, but quite opaque to me!

(To Ms. Moncrieff) Er… quite right. Perhaps we should change to subject to more controversial decisions. Tell me Ms. Moncrieff, which is your preferred Bad Boy: Marcus or Michael?

Scene IV High school auditorium where voters have gathered to caucus. Ms. Worthing and Ms. Moncrieff are standing with the Biden caucus while Gwendolyn and Cicely stand with the Sanders caucus.

GWENDOLYN: Oh Cicely, just look at them standing there for a man so undeserving. What does your mother ever see in him?

CICELY: (sighs loudly) Only that he is supported by yours.

GWENDOLYN: (gasps) And my mother’s sole reason is that he is the choice of yours! Oh let us hurry to tell them while there is still time!

(They rush over to the Biden caucus.)

CICELY: Ms. Moncrieff, I have the most wonderful news! My mother thinks capitalism is failing miserably and that the whole system is rigged for plutocracy!

Ms. MONCRIEFF: But Ms. Worthing, that is what I believe as well! Yet all this time you told me you stood with Mr. Biden.

Ms. WORTHING: Only because I was trying to stand with you.

MS. MONCRIEFF: As I was with you. Oh Ms. Worthing, we’ve been acting like perfect fools. From this point on, let us state openly and brazenly our hopes and dreams.

(The two women join both hands as they stare joyously at each other.)

Ms. WORTHING: In that case, Ms. Moncrieff, I must state with brazen openness my dream that we get married right away.

Ms. MONCRIEFF: I’m sorry, Ms. Worthing, but I can’t agree to that.

Ms. WORTHING: (crestfallen) I see.

Ms. MONCRIEFF: Because first we must hurry over to the caucus of Mr. Sanders. Tomorrow we wed! Today the political revolution!

(The four women exit stage left.)